Let me make one thing plain from the outset. I can never condone violent outbursts of any kind. However, some people are, or can become, prone to them. As with most things, the more we understand about it, the more able we are to do something or seek help, which is the whole purpose of my column for Sahir House.
So, let me ask you a question. Have you ever been in a restaurant, when everyone is enjoying themselves, eating, chatting and laughing, and all of a sudden, the waiter drops a tray full of dishes or glasses? If you have, you will probably have noticed that everyone immediately goes quiet. After about a minute or so, once everyone realises it was nothing to worry about, the chatter will recommence, and everything will go back to how it was. There may well be a cheer for the poor embarrassed waiter.
This happens because the fight/flight part of our brain cannot immediately react to the danger. Instead, it takes a back-seat for a moment or two, to allow the intellectual part of our brain to make an assessment, to see if we need to get away from the situation or deal with it in some other way.
The fight or flight part of our brain protects us and looks out for us. When it senses we are in danger it will step in to help, it will get us ready to flee from something. It might make us angry; expressing anger is a primitive form of self-defence to frighten off our enemies. This was great when we were living in caves and had natural predators on our door step; but not so helpful these days.
When we are prone to stress, anxiety, and otherwise under pressure, this part of the brain can react instantly, without giving the intellectual side of our brain a chance to reason things out. In other words, we act first and then think later.
Someone with a tendency to fly off the handle at the least little thing may well be suffering from undue stress and anxiety. It could be that they are afraid of a particular situation or person, it could be simply that they feel out of their depth in an argument or discussion. They may also be on ‘red-alert’ because of other things which have happened in their early life which have never been dealt with. They may be suffering with PTSD as a result of trauma or early life bullying because they were different. Such things can stick around for a long time.
There are in fact many reasons why a person can be suffering in this way. The inevitable result will be that they automatically react before they think things out logically. This leads to unacceptable behaviour and reactions. It can be equally distressing afterwards for the person who has had the outburst. This can lead to feelings of guilt which leads to more stress and anxiety – and guess what? Yes, on it goes…
There can be other triggers too for anger, some of them more so in our community than others. With the recent terrible events leading to the death of one of our trans-siblings we may feel more on edge or more fearful when going into situations that may not otherwise bother us, we may become more vigilant. We may not necessarily have the thoughts at the front of our mind either, but our sub-conscious may make us feel more vulnerable and keep us more on alert, giving us a general feeling of unease and making us snappy. Again, if you are the type that has a short fuse anyway, you may well have found yourself more on edge lately.
It goes without saying that someone with a tendency to violent outbursts should get professional help to deal with that and get help for the underlying causes. However, at the lower end of the scale, if you have found yourself becoming short-tempered and prone to reacting without thinking first, then you may find it helpful if you can get into the habit of taking a deep breath and allowing yourself to just slow down a little before reacting to anything you feel is provoking you.
This could be the first step in the right direction to get your stress levels down. Identifying other things which may cause us to get angry can help us to avoid them, simple steps, but they can be helpful.
More in-depth anger management is a process of learning how to recognise, control, and express anger in a healthy and constructive way. Anger is a natural and normal emotion, but when it becomes intense and frequent, it can lead to problems in personal and professional relationships, as well as physical and mental health issues. Effective anger management techniques can help individuals to cope with their emotions and prevent harmful consequences, it is something I help people with as a therapist.
If you would like me to cover any other subjects to do with mental health and well-being please get in touch, I’d love to hear from you.
Please feel free to send me an email with SAHIR HOUSE in the subject line to solutions@martinfurber.com
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